Amy McMarathon’s Rant  (Courtesy See More Buns)

 

 

AMY McMARATHON’s RANT

 

 

How will you be greeted at the Betty Ford registration table?

good registration
This is Amy if you filled out your rego correctly

 

bad registration
This is Amy if you filled out your rego incorrectly

 

 

We expect a large number of participants in the Betty XXV event. We encourage everyone to sign up as early as possible. We also encourage those of you who show up every year, and just wander around to socialize to see what’s going on, to: “STAY THE FUCK AWAY”. Everyone else pays the rego fee, so unless you do, you are NOT welcome, even if you “bring your own beer and food.” And why the hell do you do that? You are missing out on the trails, the parties, you don’t get any great give-aways, and you save yourself a whopping $40.00 or so by not signing up. So, stay at home so we have more space at the pool for the registered Hashers.

Golly, is it Amy being extremely picky, or do a lot of you wankers just not know how to read? Out of 332, there are 72 of you on the Dumb Shit list. That’s a whopping 21.7%. WHATSUP?????

Therefore, this prompts a few more gentle reminders:

    READ THE FUCKING FLYER!!!!!!! Is that gentle enough?
    • The check needs to be made payable to

OCHHH

    . Amy does NOT have a bank account with the vesting: Pam “Amy Mc26.2” Smith. I suppose in order to make it easy on you to write out your check, you think she should, but she doesn’t. So, when Amy gets a check like that she has to hand endorse them and it makes her extremely crabby, not to mention putting you on the DS list.
    • There is a really good reason for the disclaimer at the bottom of the rego form. Amy knows that it would never occur to most Hashers to EVER sue the Hash. Well, that doesn’t include the Non-Hasher poops that you are married to, or live with, or gave birth to. They would be more than happy to sue the Hash if anything happened to you, even though they probably hate you

because

    you Hash. SO, that’s what makes it so important that you “personally” sign your rego form. Do not have anyone else sign it. Amy received 3 regos (family members) and the signatures are exactly the same. They have been put on her DS list, and will be made to re-sign the disclaimer at Betty. So, this is fair warning to the rest of you to follow the instructions.
    There are also those of you who STILL don’t own a pair of scissors, and when you tried to tear off the rego form, it came out all jagged edged and does not fit into the very tidy, neat pile of Amy’s regos. This is really pissing Amy off, so the rest of you who haven’t sent your regos in yet, take heed. You need to DETACH (with scissors) & SEND, There are those of you who sent your regos in all cattywhompas, but sent a very nice card thanking Amy for “all she does”. As heartwarming as that is, Amy didn’t fall off the turnip truck this morning and that isn’t going to keep you off the DS list, so cut the crap and send in the regos correctly.
    Well, yet another tiny registration issue. Let me ask you: When you put your rego and a check in an envelope and seal it, how do you figure either item is going to escape from said envelope? Not likely, huh? Or do you think someone unscrupulous is going to open YOUR particular envelope (out of the billions in the mail system), and steal either the check or the rego? Also unlikely. So why do you staple them together so that Amy has to use a staple remover to separate them? Could you just NOT staple anything please?

Janis (2011)
Well, here it is February 2nd and Amy has received another reason to rant. She got an envelope today, and the ends of the flap were tightly covered with stickers, so she couldn’t open it with the usual letter opener. She had to cut the end of the envelope to get the regos and the check out. NOT to mention that the regos were not detached. Amy wants to ask you why you think that you need to hermetically seal the envelope? You don’t. No one is going to try to get into that envelope and abscond with what’s inside. You are an incredibly annoying person and have been added to the DS list.

You know, just when Amy thought she had heard every excuse known to man as to why the rego & check were sent after the cutoff, low and behold, there’s a new one:
“I put it in my mailbox on Friday the 14th, and the STUPID mailman never picked it up, so when I got home on Sunday night after being gone all weekend there it was, still in my mailbox. Then Monday was a holiday, so he never picked it up until Tuesday.”
Can you just imagine how weary this makes Amy, listening to this drivel? This is a DS with capital letters!!!!!

Yes, Amy understands that a 3 month lower fee of $110.00 just ISN’T enough time and she really sympathizes with you, but how is it, that 282 Hashers already managed to meet that deadline even though they were: “So busy at work”, “Meant to send it in on time”, “Had the check and rego all ready to go and forgot to mail it”, “Had personal problems at home”, “Got the flu and were bed-bound for two weeks and couldn’t get to a mailbox” (so what were you doing in those 10 weeks BEFORE you got the fucking flu?). And all the cute little notes and emails that you wankers sent about how you can’t wait to see Amy and all of the rest of us at Betty. Well, Amy can’t wait to see you either and collect the additional $35.00 that you didn’t send because you thought she’d let you slide. NOT!

So, where does it say anywhere on the flyer that it is necessary to enlarge the Rego form to 250%? Amy has diminished eyesight because of her age, however she is not blind. It does NOT fit into Amy’s tidy pile of regos, and she is very annoyed. Someone is extremely anxious to be put on the DS list, and by golly, he’s on !!!!!!

Amy gets all warm & fuzzy when she realizes that DumbShitness runs in families. It does her heart good to put all 3 family members on the latest DS list. Dad & Mom for not “detaching”, and daughter for hand-writing her rego form because: “printer is not working”. Let me ask you DS Jr., do you not have a job where you could use the work printer, or do you not have ANY friends who could print you out a flyer? TSK, TSK…..and the DS list continues to grow!!!!!

So, Amy has recently received notes attached to the regos, asking if we could lower the Betty entry fee to $100.00 instead of $110.00. Let me ask you, when has ANYTHING in your life had a fee reduced lately? And you only want $10.00 off? Gee, how about if we cut it in half or in thirds? Oh what the hell, how about free? When is the last time you paid for your groceries, or went out to dinner, or went clothes shopping? Obviously not in the past 5 years, so I guess the only time you get out of your house is to go to Betty. Amy hates to be the “bearer of bad tidings”, but the fee stands as is. NO discounts.

Amy has been under the impression that married/SO Hashers all have very special relationships. Well it has come to light that this just may not be true. It appears that some Hashers don’t speak to each other. Amy received 2 registrations (married Hashers) in November of 2010. Then yesterday, January 12th, 2011, she received 2 more regos from the same couple. They “forgot” that they already registered. It must be nice to have so much money that you don’t miss another $220.00.

Hey you Hashers: How about a math lesson? If you send in your rego before the January 15th cutoff, the price is $110.00. So if you send in 2 regos, the price is $110.00 X 2= $220.00, if you send in 3, then it’s $110.00 X 3 =$330.00, and so forth and so on. If this is too difficult for you to figure out, try using a calculator, or Amy may have to embarrass you at registration table for the missing money.

If you send Amy a check and it’s postmarked WAY after the 15th, even though you think you are being clever by DATING it the 15th, that just isn’t going to work. As mentioned in previous rants, Amy, although of advanced age, still has somewhat of a financial brain in her head and she is going to put you on the DS list. She will also embarrass you at the rego table by asking you in front of everyone, in a very loud voice, for the additional $35.00.

OK, let’s say you’ve signed up and you paid for your rego and reserved your hotel room. Follow me so far? OK then, let’s say you can’t go because your boss says you’ll lose your job if you don’t come to work that weekend. I’ll assume you are an idiot and you’re going to keep your job rather than coming to Betty XXV. Still with me? Now here’s the difficult part. You say to yourself “Whatever am I going to do about my rego and my hotel room?. Your first thought is to email that never crabby, sweet, kind, uncomplaining little Amy and ask her all kinds of questions, and wanting her to handle all the unfortunate details surrounding your flaking out. Well, guess what? STIFLE that first reaction, and don’t even think about emailing her. It’s YOUR fault you aren’t going so it’s YOUR deal to find someone to buy your rego and take over your hotel room.

Some of you opt to stay somewhere other than the Hash Hotel, because you say it’s “too noisy”! WTF? Too noisy at Betty? Really? It IS? Well then, before you come over to the loud, out of control Hash Central, be sure to use the nice, quiet little bathroom at the hotel you are staying at, because you are NOT using Amy’s. Your only other option is to get a room at the Comfort Inn like the rest of us and use the bathroom in own your room.

 

Rants from the past:

Hump-Me Bogart (1999):
From the OCHHH Dept. of Public Relations – PLEASE NOTE: You MUST use THIS Registration Form (or photocopy thereof). Please DO NOT sign up more than one person on this form. Any flagrant violation may result in big bucks in late fees (at best), or your missing out on the event altogether (at worst). And that depends on whether Amy sends it back to you or it gets thrown in the trash. And that depends on her mood and whether she’s getting laid on a regular basis.
ALSO NOTE: If you want a “SPECIAL DEAL”, you can’t have one. We don’t care if you OR ‘your friend’ doesn’t run or drink beer, or eat meat, or has to work on Friday night or Saturday afternoon. If you want to call Amy to ask a stupid question, don’t. She only collects money. She doesn’t answer questions, stupid or otherwise.

Dean Martin (2000):
Amy also requests: Don’t send a microscopic reproduction of this form, make it this size…damn it!

Marilyn (2001):
Any flagrant violation could result in public humiliation.

Jerry Lee Lewis (2002):
Any flagrant violation could result in caneing.

Ozzy (2003):
Any flagrant violation may result in big bucks in late fees (at best), a chin job, or your missing out on the event altogether (at worst).

Judy (2004):
ALSO NOTE: NO SPECIAL DEALS.

If you are going to be at Betty Ford for 3 seconds, or 3 minutes, or 3 hours, or 3 days, it’s the same fucking price. So deal with it or don’t come.

NOTE: PLEASE USE THIS FORM.
PLEASE INCLUDE ONLY ONE (1) PERSON ON THIS FORM.

If you need to cancel or transfer your rego, email a request to Amy. Absolutely NO PHONE CALLS.

Do you see where it says Detach & Send*? (Below) Well, that MEANS ‘Detach & Send’. Amy does not need or want the whole page. This form was designed for one person, if you put more than one person on to be registered on a form, the “other” person (people) will NOT be registered. Could you POSSIBLY, In this golden age of technology, find a copier?

Do you really think we give a shit if you have special needs? Well, we don’t, so pay the fee or go run a fucking marathon somewhere.

 


 

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