In June 2022, Hash Boy addressed the Graduating Class of 2022 from Fillmore P. Millard Vocational Junior College. The following is an unedited transcript of Hash Boy’s Commencement address.

 

“Welcome graduates!”

“Thank you for that warm introduction, Dr. Miriam Webster. I am honored to have been chosen to address this, the esteemed 2022 graduating class of Fillmore P. Millard Vocational Junior College.

I’ve been informed that your school mascot is the naked mole rat. How do you guys know the mole rats are naked? Are some of the mole rats fully clothed, wearing little vests and knee-socks?

I’d like to share some advice with you graduates that I’ve acquired over my long hashing career. Do we have any young hashers out there in the auditorium?

As you now embark on your life’s journey, you will find that often you run into challenges, or as I like to call them “back-tracks”. Sometimes, it seems that life is coming at you all uphill and into a headwind. Speaking of wind, was that one your’s Dr. Webster? Whew. You may want to fire that cafeteria lunch lady Bernice on Monday.

In order to minimize the backtracks in life, I believe one should scout in advance to try and avoid the poison oak, hostile home-owners and loose dogs wherever possible.

Soon you will face major life decisions or “checks”. In order to advance, it is critical to choose your path wisely without rushing as those type-A FRB’s are wont to do. You do not want to procrastinate too long at these life decision points, however, or you will become what’s known in life as a “check-hanger”.

There will be many happy times ahead. Rejoice! Huzzah! I recommend singing any chance you get. My life’s motto is: “Sing like nobody is watching!” If your future boss annoys you and constantly makes your life miserable, well walk into your office each workday loudly singing “He’s the meanest, he sucks…”. What? Oh well, I think you get the idea.

Many of you graduates will be getting married and then soon after that many of you will be getting divorced. This means opportunity! A chance for some of you to get a name change. That’s right, when you get married you can change your name and for some of you, you can get a hyphen – for free! For real. I’m looking at you class Valedictorian Anna Festering-Johnson. And you Yvonne Jellicle-Besturd.

Oh course, in your lives, there will be mistakes made. You can learn from them, or even better watch your friends make mistakes and learn from them! If you’re not lucky and your mistakes are serious enough you may end up getting nominated for hash-shit. Keep your chin up as this typically only lasts a week and then you are free to make even more mistakes!

Later in life, way on down the trail, maybe three or four beerchecks in, you may start to think about the on-in. My advice is don’t even think about it. Chances are, the way things are going, few of you will even get close to reaching the on-in as many are sure to be snared by all of the hazards and deep shiggy waiting for you out there.

Go Mole Rats!  Remember, graduates, it’s my world and I just let you hash in it.

On On!”

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